Today on Facebook I came across a photo, shared and “liked” hundreds of times, that said:

“Dear ‘Females:’ I’m fedup.  Done.  Finished.  I always hear stories about girls not being able to trust guys because they cheated, or treated them bad, or hit them.  I always hear stories of girls saying they just don’t want to be with guys because of past relationships.  Say that you’re waiting for a good guy etc.  But why the f*** when you get a good GREAT guy you ignore him.  Call your best friend or some shit like that and when he falls for you, you give him some bullshit about how you’re not ready for a relationship…then two hours later you’re f***ing some asshole who clearly didn’t give a f*** about you before.  Dear females…you constantly wonder where the good guys are.  They’re out there…I’m just letting you know that you’re the ones making us scarce.  Sincerly, Good Guy…or rather New Found Asshole.” (sic)

Now I’m a busy person and I don’t have time to enumerate all the things that are wrong with this, starting with the bizarre use of quotation marks around “females” to the perpetuation of stereotypes and social structures that created this screwed-up thinking.  But I’ll hit some of the bigger points.  It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while.

A couple of years ago, a guy I no longer consider a friend treated me to a two-hour analysis of his friendship with a woman he was attracted to but who clearly didn’t reciprocate the feeling.  The fact that she was, to put it delicately, quite a bit out of his reach on many fronts hadn’t dawned on him, and he kept repeating the phrases “but I’m a good guy!” and “girls always complain that there aren’t any good guys!”

It made me wonder, as he droned on, what led him to this conclusion.  In considering his goodness, does he refer to memories of how he acts around his grandmother?  How he tips his waiters?  The fact that when he walks by a puppy, he refrains from kicking it?  Because I know a lot of people who do truly heinous and abhorrent things, but I’m certain that not one of them would say “I’m a reprehensible person!” in anything but a Chuck Bass “I dare you to prove me wrong” way.  Psychology shows that we go out of our way to convince ourselves we’re good people and overlook or excuse things we do wrong.

So, “good guys,” consider that maybe you aren’t so flawless after all.  And, sure, maybe you’re not abusive, and some men who are still have girlfriends and wives– but is that really what you’d say to a woman who’s being abused?  Rather than trying to help them, and all women, understand that they deserve better, you’d tell us that we deserve any abuse we get because we overlooked precious, wonderful you?  Instead of spouting the usual nonsense about how “women must love assholes (because they aren’t clamoring for me),” try setting a good example of male behavior whenever you’re interacting with a woman, whether she’s a girlfriend, friend, sister, or stranger so abusive or disrespectful relationships become more unthinkable.

But most of all, stop thinking that what people so loathingly refer to as the “friendzone” is some sort of purgatory women put “nice guys” into.  My friendship is not a crappy consolation prize that you’re left with if I deny you a sexual relationship– and my body is not your reward for good behavior.  Thinking that simply being a “good guy,” whatever that may mean, entitles you to unlimited sex with the girl of your choice shows that you don’t truly believe women should be in control of, and have full ownership of, our own bodies; instead, it shows you think we should use them like doggy treats whenever you do the human equivalent of a jumping trick.  If you treat us as humans, that’s fantastic, but we do not owe you for it.

One of the worst outcomes of the “but I’m a good guy” phenomenon is that it overshadows the many, many men who don’t think this way and instead realize that if we don’t want to go out with them, that’s our choice and we most likely have a good reason for it, even if we don’t feel like sharing what that reason is.  The word “friendzone” has crept into the vocabularies of even the most respectful, enlightened men, and I think it’s time we push back.  Why not call it something more poetic and accurate, like “unrequited love” or “unreturned affection?”  If you do, you’ll know that at least your grasp of the English language is better than that of the “New Found Asshole” who aired his thoughts so brutishly on Facebook.